The Social Contract

When I grow annoyed at having the fruits of my labor, my liberty, and slowly but surely my sanity confiscated by our benevolent and kindly government, invariably somebody points out that I am a party to a 'social contract'. Being the literal minded SOB that I am, I generally point out that I never entered into any such agreement, and that I can hardly be bound by a contract to which I never agreed. The response is generally some noise indicating that I implicitly entered into the agreement when I chose to be born, to which I can only respond that I do not recall choosing to be born, and surely had I known the conditions of the agreement I was entering into, I would have made different arrangements. Of course it's a moot point, since we cannot be bound by a contract until we reach adulthood, and my parents were quite clear that that did not happen until long after I was born. They are less clear about whether it ever happened.

So I thought I might feel better if I obtained a copy of this document, affixed my signature, and was thereby honor bound to adhere to it. Sadly, in all the hubbub, it appears that the document has been misplaced.

So in order to reach the serene state for which I long, I am going to have to draft a new copy, based on current practice. I am not a lawyer, but since nobody else has stepped up to the plate, I guess I must.

Here is my first draft:

I, the undersigned, hereby agree to enter into "the social contract". I agree to provide the government with a blank check, which will allow them to at any time and in any manner they choose to take any amount of my earnings or accumulated property that they may desire. Further, I agree to bind myself to them as an indentured accountant, and to spend whatever amount of time shall be required in plumbing the depths of the byzantine and incomprehensible tax codes, as they shall be spelled out by the congress, and interpreted by the IRS. I accept that any assistance I am granted by my masters in pondering these imponderables shall be granted at their leisure and agree to take responsibility for any errors that either I or they may make in these calculations, as well as whatever penalties they should impose upon me for said mistakes, regardless of whether said mistakes are mine or theirs. I disclaim any responsibility on their part to be accurate, fair, sane, or humane.

I agree that in return for this consideration, I will be granted guidance in how to live my life, under the gentle tutelage of the Government's jack-booted thugs, who will provide me such kindnesses as burning down my dwelling with my family and friends inside, shooting my unarmed wife as she stands in the front yard holding an 18 month old child, imprisoning me, brutalizing me, lying to me, impoverishing me, redistributing my earnings to their cronies at their whim, drafting me to serve in their wars, granting or refusing me medical care at their whim, not based on the merits of the treatment I require but on the political expediency of my receiving that treatment, and other tender mercies too numerous to mention and too ghastly to consider. I am sure that by this process I will be able to finally understand ethical behavior and good will toward those men, women, children who are not located in some place which must be bombed in the national interest.

I agree not to attempt to comprehend the simple and concise wording of the constitution, or to delve into the mysteries of what phrases such as "shall not be abridged", "shall pass no law", might mean, as if I am unable to understand the tens of thousands of pages of the tax code, I surely could not begin to fathom the 4543 words that make up our constitution. I also acknowledge that the ninth amendment, otherwise known as the "but wait, there's more!" amendment, should not be construed to imply that I actually have rights that are not enumerated in the constitution (being neither female nor pregnant) and that the tenth amendment, which states that any power which is not explicitly granted to the federal government is explicitly denied them was just an April fools joke on the part of the founding fathers. They were such kidders. You should have seen some of the pranks they played on the British.

I agree not to question why the 18th amendment was required to start prohibition I, but no amendment was required to start the war on sick, harmless addicts and recreational drug users. I also agree to ignore the fact that harmful addicts, could have been dealt with under pre-existing laws against doing harm.

I agree in all matters involving the constitution to submit to the ageless wisdom of Chief Justice Humpty Dumpty:

When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean, neither more nor less. The question is, who is master?

I agree to ignore the fact that is was not Justice Dumpty who used the words in the Constitution but rather the founding fathers, and that it was not just written but carefully negotiated. We all know what happens, after all, to the best laid plans of mice and men. Sooner or later someone decides that since they 'interpret' the constitution, and since the word 'interpret' is one of the words of the constitution, they may 'interpret' 'interpret' to mean alter, change, legislate, repeal, destroy, mangle, or any other damn thing the feel like 'interpreting' 'interpret' it to mean at the moment. We are, after all, a nation of lawyers, not of men.

In short, I agree to obey, rather than thinking. To coast rather than striving. To work, not for those things that I value, and those people whom I love, but for the aggrandizement of the omnipotent state, and the advancement of those things I abhor. I agree that my life is not mine, but is the rightful property of my neighbors; that it is their goals I must pursue, their wants I must satisfy, their lives which I must make meaningful.

On second thought, this contract would not be binding. Under American law, in order for a contract to bind, each party to it must receive something of value, and though the document gives away my life, my fortune, and my sacred honor, it provides nothing for me. So I guess it won't solve my problem after all. Oh, well, back to the drawing board!

Why do they hate us? Let me count the whys! (Part 1)

The Insomniac Giant

Teacher

...so why would [the independents] fight so hard against us?

River

We meddle.

Teacher

River?

River

People don't like to be meddled with. We tell them what to do, what to think, don't run don't walk we're in their homes and in their heads and we haven't the right. We're meddlesome.

Teacher

River, we're not telling people what to think. We're just trying to show them how.

From Joss Wheden's Serenity

After the surprise attack on Perl Harbor, Japanese Admiral Isoruku Yamamoto is quoted (possibly apocryphally) as saying "I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve.". Not only did the Japanese wake a sleeping giant, but apparently they also induced insomnia, as the giant has never slept again.

Since that fateful day, the United States has been involved in innumerable wars, all unjustifiable, with the exception of World War II itself, and possibly Afghanistan. The exceptions should illustrate my criterion for a justifiable war: a justifiable war is one which is a purely defensive war. World War II clearly began with an attack on the United States. Afghanistan may have been justified by the attack on the World Trade Center. All of the others were offensive wars. This includes those which have been called "police actions", "peacekeeping missions" and the like. They were attacks on countries which had not attacked us first. And that cannot be justified.

Remember those who Starve! A poster from one of the many Soviet famines.

The Cold War served as a container for many of these wars. They were merely battles in that larger undeclared conflict. But the Cold War itself was unjustifiable as it did not follow an attack or attempted attack on America. It followed rhetorical attacks on America. That's not nearly good enough. Some will way "what, are you a socialist?". Hardly. It is precisely because I have so little respect for socialism that I oppose the Cold War. Socialism is not a viable way to organize an economy.. It's not just unjust. It's not just unAmerican. It's also unworkable. And therefore we were fighting a paper tiger. Socialism collapsed under the weight of it's own stupidity. And by providing Stalin and his ilk with an enemy to scapegoat, we probably prolonged it's existence. Note the famines that were recurrent in the Soviet Union. You cannot fight effectively in the long run if you cannot even manage a working economy.

 

But our government felt the need to fight the Soviet Union. And to fight Korea. And to fight Vietnam. And to fund Israel as a foil to the Soviet Union. And to fund the Shah of Iran as a foil to the Soviet Union. And to fund just about every dictator to take over any country, as a foil to the Soviet Union. They, of course, took offense and funded every dictator that we weren't funding (and some that we were) as a foil against us. And so it went. The Cold War was a wet dream for any dictator, be he right wing, left wing, or pure authoritarian. One doesn't find many Libertarian dictators.

The problem is, the dictator business is hard work. Dictators have to relax. And the favorite way for dictators to relax is to kill people. Sometimes he kills his serfs. Sometimes he kills people in a neighboring country. There are lots of people in the world, and any dictator who looks around can find somebody he wants to kill. And with his shiny new American F-16 (dictators generally like shiny things, that's why they wear so many medals), available at deep discount prices and easy credit terms from Crazy Georgie's Discount Dictator Supply House, you can kill 'em in style.

Of course every nation, like every individual, has the right to keep and bear arms. And like the companies that sell weapons to individuals, the companies that sell weapons to governments should not be held accountable for how those weapons are used. But when a nation gives weapons away, that's a bit different. That is an endorsement of the policies of that country/dictator to whom you give the weapons. And we picked some real winners.

Of course the people upon whom the weapons are fired and the bombs dropped feel rather put out by the whole affair. And they blame America. Sometimes they make up conspiracy theories to explain why we do the things we do. They say we fund Israel because of the Zionist Lobby. They say we funded Noriega so that he would give cocaine to the CIA to import into America. They say we hate blacks, and Jews, and Arabs, and Spanish speakers, and the French (most of use really aren't crazy about the French), and pretty much everybody else. And if you look at the people our weapons have been used on, you might even think it true. But here is the deep dark secret to which nobody wants to admit. Giants aren't that bright. They bumble and they bluster and they step on people and they cause floods whenever they take a piss. But giants aren't evil. They've just got a dangerous combination of big and dumb. There is only one way to make a Giant safe: put him back to sleep. When they're sleeping, they look soooo peaceful!